Sometimes I have subtle reminders that my children can feel the tension that comes with dividing a family. Every once in a while I have an intense reminder. Maybe that comes from having a teenager in the home. Maybe it’s because it’s just hard. I wish I knew the right things to say to my children when I see that they are struggling, or hurting. Seems like under these circumstances sometimes there is no right thing to say, so I don’t say anything. Instead I wake up at 3:12 A.M. to go buy milk, make banana bread bundt cake for breakfast, or squeeze fresh orange juice. Sometimes I might make their beds or let them stay up an extra hour for a family movie. I’m making this up as go, and sometimes I make mistakes, all the time I show them how much I love them.
Showing my children that I love them and I’m here for them makes me happy.
Organization is the most comforting word to me. When my life is organized, I can see more clearly, I can focus on the present and plan for my future. In my mind, I see my life, my calendar, my everything as a desktop on a computer. Neatly organized folders, labeled and arranged in an systematized fashion, each folder containing exactly what I need to be accomplish a task, complete a goal, plan a trip, and keep it altogether without losing myself. When my life glitched it was pandemonium in my mind. I found pieces missing from folders, unlabeled folders, things I have never heard of showed up and everything seemed to be floating in a gentle breeze that often changed direction. Suddenly I could not breathe.
As time went on, I found ways to slowly gather the pieces of my life as they drifted by, taking small breaths as I decide where to start. It took me time, courage and love to see that it is safe to change my desktop. Recycling what was holding me back, making new folders as I discovered new pieces and fragments of me that had been missing for years, and taking what I was holding onto tightly and putting it back into place. Everyday breathing more deeply, more completely.
My desktop isn’t in perfect order, but its close. I’m organizing my life a little bit more every day. I have discovered that I need people in my life. I have learned it’s ok to accept help from my loved ones. I have decided that it’s alright to be a single mom.
I have found happiness among disarray, although I am looking forward to my life returning to it’s organized state a little bit more every day.
Shortly after I asked my ex-husband for a divorce, I started to look around our home and think about the things we had collected over the nineteen years we lived together. The beautiful soft blue sofa and loveseat where we often gathered our children for family move nights; I remembered the first time we saw it and fell in love with the color and style, deciding it was perfect for our living room. However, that round table to right of the sofa, he found that at a consignment store, it is sturdy and worn with a little character, leather inset on top. Not a table I would have looked twice at, but it complements our meshed eclectic styles. The artwork on the wall, that’s all him too and isn’t unique to us. We often found the same red poppy fields in other’s homes. The vintage camera collection from my early days in the photography industry, that’s my happy place. My adventures in finding the perfect photo that spoke to me is behind some of those cameras, others I have only dreamt of using. I always wanted my work displayed in my home and that’s when it hit me. Overwhelmed with emotions knowing that the living room I was standing in was not really mine anymore, I decided It’s time for me to create my own happily ever after.