My Diet Coke

The sensation of little bubbles popping in the air close to my lips, the fizzle sounds they make trapped in their aluminum can and suddenly the thoughts that were scattered in my mind seem to organize themselves or not even matter in the first place. The ice-cold fluid as it dances across my taste buds for the first time and awakens my senses, chaos now falls into place. When our home is quiet, the lights are out with the last little one tucked into bed I sometimes treat myself to cold Diet Coke. That very first drink of a cold Diet Coke after a long day at work around children and coming home to my own children; often excited to share their day, sometimes frustrated at how it went somehow puts my life back in order, even if just for a moment.

Sitting on the couch, my shoes off and my feet up on the coffee table my dad made for me several Christmases ago. The TV remote in my hand, finally I can watch whatever I want, but instead I turn on music, 80’s love songs. Listening to Chicago’s “You’re the Inspiration” or Def Leopard “Pour Some Sugar on Me” while I enjoy my Diet Coke.

Whether I am popping the top of a cold can, or slipping it through a straw in a Styrofoam cup, ice cold Diet Coke at the end of the day makes this hard working mom happy.

My Amusement Park

There’s a familiar battle in my head that reminds me of all the reasons I am an inadequate partner, my flaws, weakness and the image I have of myself; it all feels very real. At the same moment I am feeling all of this, I my heart manipulates my thoughts pulling me at a rapid speed towards everything my mind is telling me to escape.

My life feels like I’m walking through an amusement park. Some days I’m spinning in a tea cup and feeling sick about what’s next, when will this be over, where do I stop? I’m in a bumper car hitting everything in my path and unable to avoid the other cars heading straight at me. I am slowly being carried high into the sky, watching my feet dangle waiting for the rapid drop and I hear my own voice join the polyphonic screams and laughter of the others.

I am excitedly running in every direction avoiding my thoughts and I’m exhausted, overwhelmed and depleted of energy for anything. Other days I feel my heart swelling and body warm, sitting next you holding your hand tightly so I don’t lose the feeling, the possibility that you just might love me the way I am.

I have already excepted these contradictions in feelings, it’s almost a comfortable protection.

As I read these words they feel like chaos, a rollercoaster in the dark, anxiously climbing, overwhelming surprises jerking us side to side, anticipating the dreadful drops. I want off this ride! I want to be in your arms, to feel safe with you.

I have found happiness wrapped up in the arms of a new love.