There’s a familiar battle in my head that reminds me of all the reasons I am an inadequate partner, my flaws, weakness and the image I have of myself; it all feels very real. At the same moment I am feeling all of this, I my heart manipulates my thoughts pulling me at a rapid speed towards everything my mind is telling me to escape.
My life feels like I’m walking through an amusement park. Some days I’m spinning in a tea cup and feeling sick about what’s next, when will this be over, where do I stop? I’m in a bumper car hitting everything in my path and unable to avoid the other cars heading straight at me. I am slowly being carried high into the sky, watching my feet dangle waiting for the rapid drop and I hear my own voice join the polyphonic screams and laughter of the others.
I am excitedly running in every direction avoiding my thoughts and I’m exhausted, overwhelmed and depleted of energy for anything. Other days I feel my heart swelling and body warm, sitting next you holding your hand tightly so I don’t lose the feeling, the possibility that you just might love me the way I am.
I have already excepted these contradictions in feelings, it’s almost a comfortable protection.
As I read these words they feel like chaos, a rollercoaster in the dark, anxiously climbing, overwhelming surprises jerking us side to side, anticipating the dreadful drops. I want off this ride! I want to be in your arms, to feel safe with you.
I have found happiness wrapped up in the arms of a new love.
My Own Happily Ever After 